


I’m drowning in the thought of you

by Udu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mindless Fluff, lapslock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-08-23 13:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8330185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Udu/pseuds/Udu
Summary: sicheng finds happiness in the arms of the person who murdered his family.





	1. Chapter 1

these flowers are so nice, they are small and white, smell better than madam’s expensive perfumes, people admire them, don't they? but people express their admiration by killing the poor flowers that never have wronged. they have obeyed the beat of the winds, they dance more violently when the skies cry, an effort to cheer it up. the sun and stars and moon smile upon them, admiring them and probably wondering how wonderful it would be to smell and touch these flowers. it’s a pity that the people are such self-absorbed creatures. it’s even a bigger pity that i just had to be born one of them. i wish i was born as one of these flowers. never once hated and only admired. death caused by beauty is a beautiful way to die, is it not? it’s so much better than the way death greeted my mother. having the power to kill ourselves is so scary. my mother drowned herself and left a pathetic piece of paper, whatever was written on it drove my father into the sea of depression. i spend a lot of time here. there are so many innocent living things. they reassure me to live. the thrush birds sing songs after they finish eating the seeds i scatter for them. their songs are so much prettier and genuine than the songs of the musicians madam invites to play, they use the remains of the corpses of trees to play their songs. humans shamelessly murder innocent living things for their own recreation. i find this so disgusting. they call these carefully carved corpses flutes and madam enjoys them the most. she made me learn how to play them and every monday evening, after i finish practicing the flute, i murmur a soft apology to the tree it was once part of.

 madam thinks i am weird. she says she wished i was a girl, because my face is too beautiful to belong to a boy. sometimes she dresses me up in old girl clothes that smell funny. she made me grow out my hair, my hair is a curious shade of a yellow and it reaches up to my collarbones. madam likes it a lot.

 i have never seen my father up-close. i have seen his numerous portraits hanging on random angles of the east hall. once when the artist came to paint me, on my birthday. he noted i looked too much like my mother and even acted like her. the only feature that proves i am my father's son is my height and voice. for a split second i found myself envying that painter, who was lucky to have seen my parents. i have never seen my mother and i don’t remember her. no one is allowed to mention her in front of me. the places where her portraits once were remains empty now.

 i like singing sometimes. when i can’t sleep i quietly tiptoe to the gardens; my favorite place. i sing to the stars and moon and trees and the pond , i sing terribly sad songs i make up on the spot. i make them listen to the pains of not knowing the woman who gave birth to you, how it feels to have a father who doesn’t love you and sometimes i ask the stars if one of them would switch places with me.

 i have two elder brothers who are too busy to care for me. but they never forget to send me priceless gifts. just like madam they treat me like a delicate vase, most of the gifts they send are of necklaces made up of precious stones and rich robe fabrics. i like to adorn myself in the gifts as i don’t want to disrespect my brothers' sentiments. right now i am wearing a silk baby blue robe they gifted me that is normally worn by females. but my handmaids assures me that it suits me. heavy pieces of jewelry are placed all over me. on my head, around my neck, dangling from my ears, wrapped around my waist, all over my arms and ankles and fingers and toes. whenever i move i make a lot of noise. but i don’t move a lot so it’s okay.

 "your highness?"

 i look away from the white flowers, a bit angry that my reverie has been interrupted. standing in front of me is fei, one of my handmaids. she is breathing heavily and sweat is glistening on her forehead.

 "what is it?" i ask her.

 "your brothers are here to meet you."

 i stand up almost immediately, extremely surprised and excited. my jewelry clatters at the sudden movement.

 "are you pulling my leg?" i ask just to be sure.

 "oh, i wouldn’t dare to, your grace, not even in my wildest dreams would i joke about something you are so sensitive of."

 i stare at her face a bit , hoping to catch any sign of her statement being part of a cruel prank. but no, it’s  quite obvious from her serious expression that my brothers are indeed waiting for me.

 i sigh and ask her to lead me to them. madam is apparently serving them tea and sweets at the pavilion.

 i guess my jewelry really does make a lot of sound since their heads turned towards me almost immediately upon my arrival.

 yuzhi smiles at me and tells me i look beautiful and shoves a piece of sweet into his mouth, then yixing rolls his eyes at him and tells me to sit next to him, i oblige.

 "why are you here?" i ask gently, my eyes focuses on liyin who is pouring tea for me.

 "why do we need a reason to visit our baby brother?" yuzhi asks teasingly, he is younger than yixing by two years and has a playful personality.

 i suck in a deep breath, "actually you do need a reason, you are always too busy to visit me so there must be a stable reason why you are here," i huff with an unintentional pout marking my face, "and i am not a baby!"

 i glare at madam, fei and liyin who starts giggling.

 yixing scowls at yuzhi and turns towards me.

"drink your tea, sicheng. we'll talk afterwards. have something to eat too, you look far too skinny." yixing says and i sigh.

 i ask fei to pass me a vanilla cream scone and as soon as she does, i start nibbling it in a slow pace.

 yixing is the first to finish, he ate a bunch of those cherry biscuits i hate and drank his white tea in a rush.

 yuzhi is still shoving random treats into his mouth and his apple cider is yet to be touched.

 i finish my scone and wash away the taste of sweet vanilla in my mouth with the hibiscus tea.

 "you may leave," yixing looks meaningfully at madam, who bows a couple of times and drags away fei and liyin with her, away from the pavilion.

 i settle my cup on the table, yuzhi is wiping his mouth hurriedly with the back of his hand and yixing shakes his head at him.

 "sicheng," he says, almost carefully.

 i raise my head and quirk my eyebrow curiously at his nervous expression.

 “father wants us to relay you a message.” he continues and i lean forward, “what is it?”

 “you are to be wed next spring.” yuzhi reveals and yixing immediately directs a grimace at him.

 too surprised, i don’t make a make a move. to be married means a lot of things, a lot of responsibilities and a lot of expectations.  

 “sicheng, do not worry. your husband is to be the crown prince of the southern lands, you’ll be his consort. it’s a big honour.”

 yixing is attempting to comfort me but it’s not working.

 “do i have a choice?”

 “no…but please do not fret, sicheng. your husband was chosen with a lot of care.”

 i smile bitterly and got up from my seat, ignoring their attempts to drag me back and fill me with meaningless promises of solace, i run away back to my chamber.


	2. Chapter 2

the purple flowers that grow by the pond have bloomed. i remember when last year the plant suddenly died and i spent that whole day crying. royal gardeners replaced it under my watchful eyes and i've been protective ever since. my mother used to like that particular type, madam says. she's the only one who dares to mention her. that too once in a blue moon. somehow i have come to treasure the flora that was my mother's favorite, they bring me comfort in times when i need it the most. as if they have guessed how gloomy i am, they decide to make an appearance.

yes it succeeds in cheering me up, i cannot help but smile genuinely for the first time in two weeks. sitting next to the freshly bloomed irises, i lean closer to inhale its scent.

"your highness," jia smiles at me and i look questioningly at her, "do you remember your promise?"

i audibly sigh and offer her a resigned pout, "not fair! you caught me in a moment of weakness."

jia made me promise that if she wins in making me smile i have to do whatever she wants for the day. i didn't expect her to know me well enough to actually complete the task.

now here i am, cowering next to pretty flowers and suddenly at the mercy of my handmaiden.

"lets get you ready." she gloats and helps me to get up.

"for what?" i blink confusedly but follow her anyway.

after a bath, i find myself posing in front of the mirror as everyone runs around my dressing room, draping me with the royal garb...i reckon i'm getting a painting made since the last time i wore the certain attire was when i had one made, soon after my eighteenth birthday.

i stand still as fei fastens the top golden buttons near the collar and links a golden ribbon through the hoops alongside the chest of my vermilion red uniform, the official crest of our kingdom is pinned right above the ribbon; a silver shaping of a bull's horns.

more and more different adornments are being added to my ensemble and i get suspicious, eyeing madam who observes the whole fiasco with a sly sort of smile.

when it's finally done, i stare at my reflection. i look like a proper prince. there's something haughty about my appearance, clothes really do make a man.

"so, when does the painter arrive?" i ask as jia couches to give my boots one final wipe. they're so shiny i can see my reflection.

the giggles that follow after my question makes me frown and it's madam whose loudly clearing of her throat that quietens the room, she looks at me in the way she usually does when she wants to predict what my reaction would be. the look she gets when calculates the outcome. now i know i have to prepare myself for information i will not like.

the room clears after madam shoots an indicative look at the girls. she makes her way towards me and starts to smoothen the front of my uniform, gentle patting away non-existent dust on my shoulder blades.

"sicheng dear, you have grown up so well," she sounds proud and that makes me happy, if there is a permanent figure in my life then it's madam, "i understand you are afraid, intimidated by the life that awaits for you. its natural of course, but darling nothing about our lives remain constant. you cannot stay here with me forever. as a prince you have a duty to your king. it's best if you bow down and accept your fate."

my eyes widen as she gently allows words of encouragement out, "madam, why are you saying this?"

she smiles in a way that's unfamiliar, a rare genuine one.

"you'll meet your soon to be husband today,"

it's unfair that i'm being deceived into meeting a person i'd rather not, i'm being thrust into a whole new world all of a sudden. it's like all normalcy is being ripped out of my life and that isn't a good feeling.

"before you throw a tantrum and run away again, i'd like you to think about what i'm about to say. you are a smart child." madam says, "when fei was your age she was forced to become the mistress of a minister. she suffered but because of her mentality she escaped and sought refuge with us. when jia was your age she was selling candles by the harbor, you have read about the dangers of bandits and pirates that roam around that place, dear, right? but jia had no choice and faced the dangers to survive. when liyin was your age she saw her father killing her mother, she had to move to a home for orphans and was sold to the palace."

i scrunch my eyebrows in surprise, my maids are friendly with me but they have never shared their stories with me.

"have you ever seen them display their past wounds in front of you?"

i shake my head.

"that's because i taught them to adjust to the situation and embrace life as how it comes. you can hate yourself, you can hate fate and destiny. you can choose to be sad for the rest of your life and waste away. but you have a choice to be happy too. if you make that choice, if you learn to forgive and forget, see the better side of all that comes to you then you're life will shine just like the stars you admire so much, sicheng."

she hugs me after noticing the sadness in my eyes. why did it sound like a farewell...it isn't like i'm going to leave today itself.

"do you understand, dear? you have to behave as accordingly as you must. deliver a favorable impression so that the crown prince will be satisfied. if he withdraws from the marriage, the whole kingdom will suffer from the shame."

i murmur a soft yes and madam leads me out, guards walk me to a carriage waiting and i nervously enter. repeating madam's advice in my head.

the destination is a hall reserved for celebrations of adults, i don't recall ever going inside the 'shining lotus', and it’s an exclusive location that is heavily under protection.

"your highness, we have arrived." i look away from the windowpane and clamber out of the vehicle. acknowledging my guards with a grateful grin, i make my way inside. head help up high.

cousin yiyang is easy to spot, she stands out in her burgundy gown and golden jewels. her hair is straight as a whip and so black, reaching up to her hips. she runs towards me with an excited squeak.

"oh my god, you are really here!” she beams, linking her arm with mine. yiyang’s outburst attracts immediate attention from the other guests, all dressed in their best and exuding nothing but aristocracy, suddenly i become their center of attention.

"i guess." i reply in a low voice and lead her away from the people gawking at me.

yiyang frowns apologetically and leans into to me, "sorry, sicheng. it's been a while since i last saw you, i couldn't help it."

"i don't mind." i run my hand along yiyang's back, hoping to be comforting.

"you look really beautiful today." yiyang tells me, looking up in a way that allows her chin to graze my chest.

"you too," it's nice to have at least one person in the family who admires and looks up to me, cousin yiyang is so nice that it melts my heart. she's one of the few people i genuinely love.

i indulge her as she yaps enviously about her brother renjun and all the attention he's getting after being paid favorable appraisals from the royal guild of scholars. honestly, i’m happy for my cousin, he’s more than deserving of the praises. sometimes he would visit me with fat mangoes that grow in their family estate in exchange for some solitude in my quarters.

“do you know who it is?” i ask her softly soon after she ends her whinges. yiyang cocks an eyebrow confusedly and i lean forward to search her eyes for any buried mirth.

“what are you talking about, sicheng? i won’t pretend that i know the reason behind your rare presence here. in fact, i believe nobody here knows.”

i’m all too aware of why madam delivered such a speech to me earlier now. the crown prince is going to evaluate me today under a guise. whether it be a rejection or an approval; it would be publicized soon afterwards. the repute of the royal family is suddenly in my hands. i allow a strained smile to appear on my face and coerce yiyang towards the pavilion for a dance.

“you’re shaking.” yiyang says with concern in her eyes as we move leisurely around to the tune of classical music. “sorry. i’m just nervous.” i try to smile reassuringly. yiyang makes a noise of disapproval, “you have no reason to be! everyone here knows you’re one of our princes from your uniform, they know better than to stare at you and gossip for too long, relax, sicheng. you have an overwhelming presence.” i flush embarrassedly at her words and yiyang smirks, opening her mouth to no doubt make me redden even more, “besides, you are exceedingly beautiful today, more so than anyone else here!”

“i agree.” an unfamiliar voice interrupts and i turn my head. the sight that greets me is a handsome male radiating nothing but nobility. he lifts the corners of his lips and offers a hand, it’s a bold move to try on a prince amidst inquiring eyes. “may i have the pleasure, your highness?”

yiyang scowls at the stranger and moves away from me, her body language suggested she’s getting ready to launch poisonous words that’d make the man leave and never return. on a normal occasion i’d let her do as she wishes, but it didn’t take me long to process that this just might be the crown prince who my father has chosen for me.

“yiyang, find yibo. i don’t want him to resent me for stealing you for the whole event.” i tell her while fitting my hand into the outstretched hand of the unknown man. my cousin fixes an imploring look on her face and strides away grudgingly.

“a protective one, isn’t she?” the man chuckles, bringing me towards him. i blush and lower my gaze. “depends on the situation.”

“oh? i wonder if i came off rude to her.”

“your unfamiliarity possibly unsettled her.” i tell him, aware of people peaking at us in a manner that made me shake uncertainly.

he spins me and brings me back to him, the sudden movement forcing me to look up at him, “looks like she’s not the only one who’s unsettled by my unfamiliarity.” i wanted to deny his veiled accusation but could only muster a weak smile.

“tell me, have you guessed my identity?” he asks, looking at me in a way that made me feel self-conscious.

“you are the one who my father has chosen for me, are you not?”

“i believe i have been far too discernible. how dull, i was hoping to catch you off-guard.”

i couldn’t help but grin, this man is quite amusing. “will you not introduce yourself properly to me?”

“instead of my title, i’d like for you to call me junhui; my given name.” his grip on my hips have become a bit too harsh but i will not do anything or say anything to compromise the family and my kingdom by upsetting this man.

“junhui…are you perhaps named after wan junhui hao?” i make use of some of the history lesson i managed to absorb throughout the years.

he smiles cockily, “unmistakably, especially considering the fact the man is my great ancestor.”

the conversation steers towards the history of his kingdom, he blatantly boasts and throws unnecessary details that almost made me fall asleep. the soiree is finally over after four more dances and the man finally departs, of course not after leaving a chaste kiss on my hand.

i couldn’t be happier to return to my quarters where my handmaids gather around while i sink into my perfumed bath. i can tell they are dying to know the details. i sigh loudly and gesture them to come closer, immediately they abandon all the chores they were pretending to do.

“well?” jia prods.

“he was nice-looking upon first glance but suffers from insincerity. he reminded me of the viper story you told me before, liyin.”

the handmaids giggle and fei shakes her head at me, “you are truly one of a kind, your highness.”

whether that is a compliment or a teasing taunt, i do not care.

it is at night while i nibble on some diced persimmons when madam comes and joins me on the veranda. she looks absolutely thrilled.

“they have officially acknowledged the betrothal! your father is very happy, dear.”

i couldn’t bother faking a smile, instead i grabbed a handful of persimmons and shoved them into my mouth, ignoring madam’s sound of disapproval at my inelegant manner of eating.

“i’m letting you off just for today. tomorrow we will begin to prepare you for the new role.” she titters and exits.

i sigh and stare at the half-moon hidden by the blankets of white and grey. the wind is harsh on the nearby crepe myrtles. it’s almost beautiful, the way some flowers give up and consent the wind to take theme away.

if only the wind would take me away too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I belatedly watched nct life and immediately got inspired to update...you guys have to admit, Sicheng stole the show lol
> 
> Leave comments and kudos if you can! Thank you for reading my trash work TT

**Author's Note:**

> Basically the product of boredom. There will be many mistakes so sorry about that, I'm just writing this as a way of reliving stress.
> 
> Thank you for reading and tell me what you think, if you can.


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